Imagine Me
by TurtlePornYolo
Summary: "I don't want to grow up," "Don't lie to yourself. You've always wanted this, kiddo," "I'm not the same anymore... I've changed and I hate it," "Why?" "Don't bullshit me! not now, Gabriel, not w-when..." "I need to hear you say it... we both need it," "Because I won't need you anymore..."
1. Hello Ch1

It was cold during nights, it didn't bother me though. It was lonely at times but I told myself it shouldn't bother me either. The truth is, I was only lying to myself. I was making excuses and pretending with this stupid facade so that I didn't had to face any of it. I tried making friends but thing is, I didn't know how to interact with people normally. So I stood there nodding my head with a fucking smile on god knows what they were talking about.

I was the stock character in your movies, there only for your convenience. It was fucking tiring, it worn me out. So then I began thinking, "why am I here?" I pondered on this thought everyday and nothing came to mind. The only thing that stopped me from killing myself was my family. They were there but they didn't knew anything. I didn't wanted to disappoint them, I didn't wanted to further burden them.

God, I really hated living. I would always wake every morning and stare distantly, "is this all there is to life?" I hate every breathing moment. Why couldn't I be fated with the life of those fictional characters?

Sometimes I would pray for something to happen but I'm a no one to god's eyes. What makes me any different from the others? Other people had it worse, I was only a selfish asshole looking for some fun. I didn't deserve such a gift.

This yearning for change continued on that I didn't genuinely felt anything anymore. I wasn't happy, I wasn't anything. I was only me. I was numb, I was dead. People would walk past me continuing with their lives but they didn't know they were walking past a corpse. I was dead and nobody saw it.

Can you blame them though? They had better things to do than bother thinking about a teenager with dysfunctional hormones. They had jobs and families to tend to. Who would want a crying teen on their hands? I wouldnt either truthfully.

And so I had no one really. Now some of you may be thinking, "oh but what about your family and blah blah blah..." cut the fucking crap. They were there alright but they didn't listen. It was like talking to a rock. They nodded their damn heads and only criticized again and again and again. They had their weird way or caring but they only believed what they liked. Oh, you feeling depressed today? That's fine, you'll get through it. You like girls all of a sudden? Its fine you're just going through a phase. That's the only thing they fucking said. So I didn't bother telling them jack shit.

I had many opportunities of killing myself. I could've walked past the yellow line and got smashed against the train. I could've missed a stair step intentionally and have my skull bleeding on the floor. I could've drown in the bathtup and have my lungs fucked up. I could've stabbed myself making lunch today. So many opportunies yet I didn't had the guts to do it.

I was a coward.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to live either. I just didn't want to exist anymore. No pain, no consequences, only peace. Apparently that wasn't on the menu either. So I continued to live on. I was lazy to deal with the trouble of how I could die without disappointing anyone and how I would die the lease painful way. It was a shitty excuse but it still counted.

I was a walking pile of flesh, that was only it for for me. I didn't care anymore and just did what people asked, fulfilling everyone's expectations. I was fine to them but no one saw the pain in my eyes.

It was cold again tonight but I didn't care. The night sky was empty too. There were no stars, just darkness. There was nothing to light up this filthy world. Not even the sun could do such a thing.

I stared at a pool of emptiness. But I felt something, it was warmth. I glanced at the figure laying beside me. I didn't know who it was but it was some how comforting.

There was a long undisturbed silence. There was no need to think up of some bullshit to say, just pure silence. "Beautiful, isn't it?" the person finally spoke. It was a man. His voice was smooth and strangely relaxing. I didn't say anything but stared distantly at the sky.

A normal person would usually get up and move to a different spot or threaten to call the police. Acceapt I wasn't really a normal person. I was the kind of person that would let things happen and think later of all the things I could've done at that moment. I didn't know why I did that to myself but I did it anyways. Honestly, I didn't know the reasons for many of the things that I did.

"Y'know, this is a pretty open field," I began, "and y-"

"I chose this spot specifically, why?" He finished. There was a pause, "No one should be alone," he stated simply. I glanced at him with the back of my eye. He had his head rested against his arms with legs sprawled on the cold grass. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the peace.

"Yet it happens anyways," I commented lightly. "What do you want?" I asked bluntly with no care. There was slight movement from him as he adjusted his position. I turned my head and faced him.

The stranger flickered his vision on me. His stare was intense, yet calming in a way. His odd golden irises stood out in the dark. He didn't had striking handsome looks yet the way he held himself spoke differently. His tired eyes told a story. I sucked in a heavy breath, he was simply... beautiful.

I wanted to reach out and glide my fingers against his rough skin if any of this was real. It was weird having someone approach me. Usually it would be the other way around. For the first time, I didn't had to do anything. I was overwhelmingly happy but I was suddenly anxious. "I've already told you, but I'm guessing that didn't really do anything," he answered.

There was a a zip accompanied with crumbling of wrappers. I arched my brow at this. He paused with a lollipop in hand as he noticed my heavy gaze. He gestured the candy at my direction slowly. "They told me not to take candy from strangers," I denied his offering simply.

"They?" This time it was him arching the brows. I changed my position of my legs to relieve the uncomfortable numbing.

A sigh parted my lips, "parents."

"Oh,"

"Yeah... they can sometimes be a pain in the ass,"

"More like always," he commented and slipped the candy past his lips. A snort escaped me.

"I'm guessing your's aren't so pleasant either?" I asked for the sake of conversation.

He hummed against his lollipop which followed with crunching, "they're a great big bag of dicks."


	2. Hello, friend? Ch2

We continued meeting after that, not intentionally though. At times when I needed a breather, I would end up seeing him. I didn't question it, not yet anyways. I chose to believe it was out of pure coincidence. But then I began to wonder, was it really? It would always be at the cafe near the park or the park itself.

He told would tell a joke and I would laugh, it was the same every time. The thought crept in my mind and I lost touch with reality. I played with the food on my plate, he noticed something was wrong. "Something on your mind?" his tone changed to worry. He always wore that one face when he knew something was up. I hated it. He didn't knew though. I wanted to stare back and tell him to stop feeling sorry for me. I knew that look because everyday I would stare into my reflection with lost in my eyes.

Maybe it wasn't the time to ask any of this was real yet."Are you following me?" I asked. I took a sip of my coffee, I ate my food. I did anything that would keep me busy, I couldn't look into his eyes. There was a long pause. I wanted to look up, I wanted to see the expression worn on his face.

What are you thinking about?

Of course, I should've known better. The man didn't really take anything seriously. He dragged my plate to his side and fingered the icing, "I don't do Instagram."

I rolled my eyes at this, "Asshole,"

"But you like this asshole," he waggled his brow suggestively and proceeded to lick the icing. I kicked him under the table. He cried lightly and his finger shot up his nose due to the impact.

I choked on the coffee and broke into a laugh, "holy shit."

This time it was him rolling his eyes, "watch your fucking language, young lady!"

"Look who's talking," I retorted with a light chuckle. The sight was amusing. He had icing smudged against the top of his lip trailing to his nostril. He wiped the residue off his face and feigned a smile that spoke "very-fucking-funny." Being the dumbass he was, his attempt was done poorly. I sighed at this and leaned against the table, reaching for the napkin. "Gimme that you little shit," with that I wiped the trail on his lip.

He rested his gaze on me curiously. I noticed this and returned the look. There was silence. I was self conscious again. I began to touch my face, "Is there something on-" He pulled my wrist to his direction. My hips bumped against the table roughly and I stared with confusion. There was little distance between us. I felt the warmth of his breath tickle against my cheek and goosebumps erect on my skin. I stood rigid in place with my palm resting on the table to support my weight.

He was perfect compared to me. He had everything and I had nothing. I exhaled a shaky breath and glided my sight to his lips. He wasn't your typical "teddy boy" but his personality made him beautiful.

I wanted more than anything to melt into his touch and forget the pain.

There was a rub against my nose. I returned my attention and saw that playful smirk. I raised a brow and directed my attention to my nose. Whip cream, of course. This time it was me giving him the "very-fucking-funny" look. With the napkin at hand I wiped it away and sat roughly to my seat.

I faintly remembered him saying something witty, like the usual. But all I could remember was the heaviness against my chest when I came home that day.


	3. Hello, shadow Ch3

I didn't went near the park for a month. I didn't see him for a month. The thought weighed heavily in my mind. It was one of those months of isolation from everything. I attended school and came back, nothing significant happened during that time. The dark whispers at the back of my mind stopped me from functioning like a normal human being.

I couldn't remember when it all started, when the thoughts began to become suffocating. It grew day by day, it was a disease living in me. I could faintly remember it knocking when junior high started. I ignored it, making myself believe it was nothing. Such thoughts allowed the infection to grow in me. I ignored the source and it all backfired.

I saw it coming though.

If there was anyone to blame, it would be me. The people I knew soon dispersed and found their own way. I was left alone. The other me would say I was being dramatic. There were people who entered in my life, only to leave once again. I felt alone and I was doing it to him too. I forced myself to leave the house that night, I had to see him. I wasn't doing it for anyone but me, to relieve such selfish thoughts. I wanted comfort and after many attempts, I found it.

The stop light blinked to red and I waited anxiously. The cold breeze whipped against my skin as I pulled my collar up for warmth. I was across from the café. He sat there oblivious, seated near the window with a paper in hand. The cross light blinked green this time and I hesitated. I wanted to see him, so why did I wait? What was I afraid of?

I ignored these thoughts.

The bell rang as I pushed through the door. His attention was still fixed on the news paper. The distance closed and I seated myself across the table. He flicked his gaze to the unexpected date. His expression didn't shift. I didn't said anything either. "So you finally show up," he returned his attention to the paper. I removed my jacket and ordered coffee.

"I've been dealing with some," I paused, searching for the right word, "stuff..." I finished vaguely.

He stopped midway on flipping the page, "that's your excuse?"

I was silent. He was right for being angry. He didn't show it, but it was there under those short lashes. "What do you want me to say?" I asked, indulging myself into the warmth of the coffee. "That I'm sorry for not telling you?" I had his attention now.

He opened his mouth to respond but paused, "and you could've at least given me a heads up?" I raised my brow at this.

"From what?" I shot back instantly. The irritation in my voice was apparent because his expression shifted. Even I surprised myself. "That I have a fucking life outside yours?" I was being sensitive. He clenched his jaw at my response. I wasn't helping. I sighed and returned the now empty mug on the table. I waved at the waiter for a refill. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that..."

"No, it's my fault for expecting too much from you," he pulled a crumpled bill from his wallet and left the table. I sat there motionless as I heard the bell rang behind me.

The waiter poured the hot liquid into a mug and eyed me silently, "lovers quarrel?" 

I feigned a curt smile and glanced at her, "Something like that..." She gave me one last look and returned to the other incoming customers. I was alone again. I wrapped my fingers around the warm mug and sat in silence. I wasn't helping, I wasn't trying hard enough to keep up with him. He was too good for me and I was afraid. In all honesty, I was unsure of what we were. I was genuinely surprised that he still hadn't taken me to bed yet.

Was I not good enough? 

I was dealing with too much, too much pain. I couldn't tell him my problems. I couldn't burden him like that. I was selfish but not that self centered. I didn't know when I started to care about such trivial things. The commitment terrified me, it made my hands sweaty. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting him. He was different and I didn't wanted it to end like the others.

And so I distanced myself from it all. My eyes began to well up. I clenched my jaw and left the café. I couldn't let myself cry, not this time. But I wasn't strong enough. The tears showered my cheeks and they didn't stop. My vision became blurry and breathing became difficult. I was having an attack again. 

I withdrew the keys from my pocket and trembled, poking it through the keyhole. With a loud clank they fell from my grasp. I collapsed near the doorstep and cried silently.

Fuck you, Gabriel.


	4. Hello Ch4

A fog clouded over my chapped lips as I exhaled against the frosted weather. I waited and waited for him to show up. Cradling my legs against my chest, I sat there unsure whether he was gonna show up or not. The thing was, he didn't know I was waiting. So what was the point? If he wasn't going to show up, I would be the one he would find at his doorstep. When the though crossed me, it sounded alarmingly disturbing. Some would even think I had developed an obsession over the man. I denied the whole idea of course, anyone would. I was just very intrigued by him, his personality, the glint in his eye when he knew something I didn't, his odd laugh, his liking towards sweets- maybe I was a bit obsessed. It wasn't healthy nor unhealthy, it was... neutral.

A voice interrupted my thoughts, I didn't catch what it said. I raised my gaze from the once interesting cement to meet eyes that managed to glow against the dark. I shot up from the uncomfortable crouching position and patted on the creases that formed on my clothes. He stared at me with an unreadable expression, "how long have you been waiting?"

"Worth enough to see you again," I answered taking a step forward. He flicked his vision on my hands, he noticed the slight tremors. His fingers brushed against my own and I indulged on the little heat he gave off. The clenching in his jaw was visible and he returned his gaze at me differently this time. Before I could process what it meant, he rushed past me and opened the door. I followed him in silently and removed the fabric strapped across my neck.

"It's a bit messy," he ushered me in the living room. I wandered my eyes around the room. It was... unorganized. He plucked the pieces of cloth on the couch and gestured for me to sit, "I wasn't expecting any guests."

I tight smiled grew on me, "it's fine," I removed my jacked and continued, "I'm not necessarily neat either."

His expression relaxed as he halted from sitting, "I'll go boil a pot." I followed him leaving the room and waited on the couch. We were both falling a part and I wanted to fix it. So I went to find him, in hopes of fixing the crack. We weren't in a relationship, we were a dynamic of some sort. It wasn't pleasant but it wasn't horrible either. It was... different and I grew addicted to it.

I found myself entering the kitchen, watching him silently. "I'm sorry," I finally said.

He stood rigid and shifted his stare on me, "stop."

But I couldn't, "I'm sorry."

He flinched at this and dropped everything, it was out, "will you just- for once, stop this!" He exhaled slowly and held the counter for balance, "for me... do it for me will you?"

A wash of guilt threw me off, "you know I can't." We both drew closer despite the tension. I felt his breath tickle against my skin, just a foot from each other.

"You can't or you wont?" he spoke in a raspy breath, barely audible. I exhaled a shaky breath and flicked my gaze from his lips to those eyes that managed to penetrate me every time. I felt the intensity and he did too.

"I hate you," and that was it. We crushed each other in hunger. Each touch, caress, was filled with longing from impatient waiting. He pushed me to the wall and none too gently, just enough to draw the breath out of me. It was passionate, every bit of it. His fingers intertwined with mine and roughly pressed them above our heads. He was making his dominance known, he had done this before. I was self conscious, but I followed. His tongue trailed to my neck, imprinting a mark I wouldn't forget of tonight.


	5. Hello, Love Ch5

His gaze was intense and I felt vulnerable, it was truly pathetic. I was angry at myself. I was angry for letting it get this far but I was selfish. Was it wrong to yearn the touch of someone? to have someone that would willingly listen to these cries? to be with someone that didn't need conversation to relay such frivolous emotion, but only with the comfort of silence? He was everything I wanted but the burden of hiding was tiring. Worrying everyday that once he saw through the glass, would he feel the same? Would I be too much of a burden to keep up with?

The majority of our time mainly consisted of silence, without the utter of a single word but only the comfort of the littlest of tasks like the folding of paper, or our continuous breathing. Our silence radiated differently every time. It would be intimate, neutral, angry, confusing, sad, and tense, but one thing was always consistent. The presence of one another was comforting, even if it lasted briefly.

We were barely modest at the moment. He was shirtless and I was shivering from the exposure of my legs. I held his wrists and remained my gaze at the slight heaving of his chest. He understood and my fingers were then intertwined with his. The distance was very little and he closed in with with a singular step. The ends of his fingers trailed across the wrinkled fabric barely hanging on me- to the sensitive skin of my neck. A slight shiver racked beyond by spine as I indulged in the warmth his body radiated. His rough hands cupped my chin to angle my sight in his direction. I only stared. His expression was soft with understanding.

My eyes were pricking. I felt the urge to cry, to let go of the pain; and I did. The tears were relentless and stained my cheeks. His thumb caressed my cheek, across the stream of tears. My chapped lips tasted his own, in desperate need. It was sensual and meaningful. He parted from my mouth and breathed against my neck. I closed my eyes and gave in; letting him take control. I wanted it to last forever, the pure bliss.

He pushed me and I felt the bed hit the back of my knees, the soft mattress underneath me. My breath hitched and caught in my throat. He crawled over and kept his gaze only on me, it was intimidating; almost like a predator. Yet, it was somehow alluring. His soft lips brushed against my neck with a raspy breath, "you're... beautiful." And he continued to whisper sweetly to me, teasing and nibbling on the sensitive skin. His hands wrapped delicately on my hips as his nose grazed from my collar bone to my chest; trailing pecks of kisses. Every scar, every flaw I considered was perfect in his eyes and he showed it.

My back arched against his very touch, from my hips to my thighs. His sweet breath hovering above my skin was tantalizing. I clenched the sheets beneath me and stared intently into his eyes. Our movements were synchronized and passionate. It was a wonderful distraction from the stress of responsibilities, the continuous pain. He removed the voices that lingered in the back of my mind that now only focused on him, our moment. It felt surreal, like a dream.

I reached out and wrapped my arms against his neck; keeping my gaze focused solely on him. His hands trailed from my thighs to my spine to support my weight. We were one at that moment. His mouth devoured my own in hunger and I returned equally too. It was perfect. I cried his name and fell limp against his chest. We both were left breathing hard against each other.

I remember not going home that night.


	6. hello, stranger? Ch6

Today wasn't the day for school, so I left. My absence went unnoticed like the usual. Whether I attended every class or not, it didn't make a single difference. My isolation made it all the better, it had its own conveniences. With every attempted approach from others, I'd hardly pay them any attention. Soon everyone got the message. I had no intentions on forming any relationships within school. Any attempt on convincing me otherwise was seen as futile and obviously unwanted.

Everyone obliged to my own liking, and that was to leave me the fuck alone. It was different compared to the other schools from this year. Every year it was the same. People would push until they got what they wanted, but oddly to my disappointment, no one tried anymore. It felt weird, entirely foreign. Would I consider myself an attention whore? perhaps, but wasn't it human nature to crave the attention of others? I discarded the feeling anyways; it was all too much effort. Everything required effort and I was too lazy for any of it.

I paused at the steps near the entrance, inhaling the cold air. The weather was dull again; lovely. I fumbled for a cigarette and pressed it against my lips. It was dry. I grimaced at the taste and flicked the ashes; whatever. "Smoking is bad for you."

I paused and looked over my shoulder, "yeah?" I skimmed over his figure and breathed in approval. He wore a dress shirt that clung snugly to his figure, complimenting his slightly built body. It wasn't too much but it was definitely there. Of course, then there was the fit trousers. Even though I had a thing with Gabriel, doesn't mean I couldn't appreciate a rather ravishing view; especially when it presented itself first.

"You should stop before you develop a habit," he continued and slid his hands past his pockets. I eyed him silently and he held his gaze curiously. I rolled my eyes at this and made my way in front of him. My height practically landed on his chest. Damn the tall, they were genetic freaks.

"And if it's too late?" I drawled in response.

"It's never too late," he answered simply. I scoffed at this and he tilted his head questioningly. I gestured a box of fags and he pulled his sleeve up. Nicotine patches.

"Pity," and I blew a smoke in his direction. He stood unfazed and raised an elegant brow. I paced around his figure and hummed gently, "I'd be damned to forget a face like that... you attend this school?"

He shook his head gently, "a professor actually," he clarified.

I paused and fixed a surprised look in his direction, "shit, you look young for someone of your... occupation."

"Perhaps, I assume you're a student?" he asked.

I nodded my head and flicked the ashes off the cig, "you guessed correctly, third year hun." He folded his arms and stared intently at me; a shiver racked up beyond my spine.

"What are you doing outside of class?" he questioned again.

I sighed at this and put out my cigarette, "does it really matter?" Before he could answer, his attention was dragged elsewhere. He flicked his gaze on a group of girls giggling at a distance. I followed his stare and chuckled lightly, "looks like you got admirers." He blinked oblivious.

Seriously?

"So, does Mister celebrity have a name?"

"I'm not sure who you're referring to," he answered plainly. I searched his expression in all seriousness. He locked eyes in silence. Jesus christ, was this guy genuine? "I mean, what's your name?" I sighed.

"Castiel," and that was it.


End file.
